‘We’re getting the band back together; with Toby Young on drums, Nick Timothy on Cor Anglais and Andrew Sabisky on bail’.
Government announces ambitious timetable for bigger second peak
The UK will pursue an ambitious timetable aimed at delivering an even bigger second coronavirus peak than it’s continent-leading first.
Health Minister Matt Hancock confirmed to be three children in a trench coat
‘It all got rather out of hand’.
Civil Service to be replaced with angry people from the LBC comments section
In a newly politicised civil service, top Mandarins are to be replaced by fragile bigots leaving shrill comments about why they hate Greta Thunberg
Boris labels his weekly shop a ‘New Deal’
The Johnson household is set to spend 0.2% of their annual income ‘levelling up’ the fridge.
Barry Island, Sealand and Narnia included in the ‘list of places Brits can travel’
There is a new list of 50 countries Brits can safely travel to, including several that aren’t countries.
Ministers to be swapped with England football players
The elite squad, which collectively have fewer GCSEs than Johnson has harassment allegations, are proving to be more adept at understand what the public wants (namely food).
The UK Economy is ‘about 20.4% useless tat’
Just eating is not enough, to save the UK economy you must buy useless tat made by child slaves in Vietnam.
Daily Mail takes a break from ironically fuelling intolerance to ask ‘why is there so much intolerance?’
‘You were only ever meant to read the paper in a sarcastic voice’ said one hack.
Boris Johnson to be replaced by a ‘bag of wind’
We thought of using a dog whistle, but decided that a windbag would be more accurate
‘Loss of taste and smell’ behind a series of high-profile government gaffes
The poor taste in electoral options and the inability to smell a rat are thought to be symptoms of a nation gripped by COVID-19.
Man refuses to empty bin to avoid ‘erasing the historical record’
‘Yes it stinks, but those rancid microwave meals were a product of their time’.
Historians already forgetting significant biographical details of the what’s‑he-called statue bloke from Bristol
As many foresaw, the historical record has been immediately and irredeemably damaged by the deposition of Colston’s statue in a harbour.