The UK Economy is ‘about 20.4% useless tat’

Just eating is not enough, to save the UK economy you must buy useless tat made by child slaves in Vietnam.

‘Save our economy, head to the high street’ was the message this week, as shoppers risk life, limb and respiratory systems to pace the aisles of Oxford Street’s tat-merchants.

As one economist from the Institute for Failed Mathematicians noted, ‘it turns out that buying non-essential shit is the only thing that keeps us away from dangerous non-fiscal expenditures such as family, clapping for carers or supporting mutual aid groups… buying shit from high street vultures is your patriotic duty’.

It might seem strange that, short of equitable labour laws, orgiastic financial splurges on plastic disposal goods are the only way to keep the wheels turning. Yet, as one economist succinctly described: ‘buying more stuff makes numbers go upper, and the more upper the numbers is, the gooder it be, q.e.d’.