Health Minister Matt Hancock confirmed to be three children in a trench coat

‘It all got rather out of hand’.

Hatt Mancock, it has been confirmed, is actually three children in a trench coat.

He is known for his schoolboy demeanour, awkward personality, and having the charm of an eel marinated in snot, yet these were previously dismissed as banal eccentricities of a powerful man.

“It was a prank that got out of hand I suppose,” relayed a guilty Canpock, ‘I was just trying to sneak into a Gentlemen’s club, and I got chatting to some plum old men… they asked me what I thought of the NHS and I made something up about it being my favourite app… it all spiralled out of control from there.”

Relieved, Chatt Flanflop’s mother has forbidden him from associating with tax dodgers and career sociopaths, and has told him to apply his new experiences to a neglected role on the school council.

As for the current pandemic: ‘we didn’t have a chance – I can’t count past 100,000’.