Ministers to be swapped with England football players

The elite squad, which collectively have fewer GCSEs than Johnson has harassment allegations, are proving to be more adept at understand what the public wants (namely food).

Following Marcus Rashford’s successful campaign to pressure the government into providing meals to vulnerable families over the summer, there is a growing awareness in Whitehall that the England football team should replace government frontbenchers.

The elite athletic squad, who are humble, respected, articulate and well-liked, are thought to be a better fit for governance than the brash, arrogant and ignorant lead politicians, who are set to return the England football squad to it’s Brazil WC 2014 glory days.

Sounding calls and backroom dealings are still underway, yet emerging from MP WhatsApp groups are the following leads ahead of the re-shuffle:

  • The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is set to be replaced by Kyle Walker. Harry Kane was touted as a potential match on account of shared hair colour, leadership position and IQ, yet Walker is thought to be a sharper alignment for the premier’s current priorities: lockdown-flouting and salacious behaviour.
  • Dominic Cummings will exchange places with England Manager Gareth Southgate. Cummings prides himself on knowing what the average fan wants (silverware in Europe) and Southgate, if nothing else, knows the difference between an optician and a beauty spot.
  • Dominic Raaab and Priti Patel will be shifting to defensive positions and are to be replaced by Harry Maguire and Joey Barton respectively. Maguire – the heaviest player in the 2018 world cup – is set to add intellectual clout as well as towering physique to the role of Foreign Secretary. Moreover, his 26 international caps provide him with a firm grasp of global affairs. Meanwhile, the ever-pugnacious Barton is said to be excited at the prospect of punishing the vulnerable and humouring the corrupt, and will thus replace a retired Terry Butcher as favourite for the role of Home Secretary.
  • Health Secretary Matt Hancock, who’s ‘protective ring around care homes’ reminds fans of Rob Green’s pathetic own goal against the USA, will make a straight swap with the notably porous former Goalkeeper.
  • Jordan Sancho is to replace Emile Heskey as Leader of the Opposition. Sir Keir Starmer – who is believed to have ‘a right boot like a donkey’ – is excited to be joining the Bundesliga on load.