Man refuses to empty bin to avoid ‘erasing the historical record’

'Yes it stinks, but those rancid microwave meals were a product of their time'.

Despite voting for a party that actively de-funds libraries and local museums, Gordon Deakins, 47, from Malwell, has taken a keen interest in the information-preservative powers of physical representations of history following the recent submergence of non-local human trader Edward Colston (or something like that, the historical record is fuzzy since the statue was pulled down).

The aquatic re-configuration of the anthropomorphic metal object sparked a desire in Deakins to preserve British history ‘with all of its flaws’. Consequently, he is abjectly refusing to throw out his used beans tins, rotting microwave trays and furry leftover chicken thighs. ‘Yes it stinks, yes it causes the neighbours distress, but those rancid food items were a product of their time and we need to be proud of British history. That involves not editing out the problematic parts, except the Empire, which was probably fine’.

Deakins joins a raft of anti-racism critics (er, racists – ed) that have decided that our nations broadly-forgotten alloy androids are vital to our nation’s firmly cemented and yet deeply fragile past.