Civil Service to be replaced with angry people from the LBC comments section

In a newly politicised civil service, top Mandarins are to be replaced by fragile bigots leaving shrill comments about why they hate Greta Thunberg

Comments sections on political posts, just like phone-ins on Radio 4, should be avoided as the cess-pit of impotent rage that they are. Even people who agree with you are still morons. However, in a move to bring government closer to the people, the Fosters-fuelled, middle-aged and universally bald are being thrust – creative grammar and all – into Whitehall.

The move follows the resignation of Sir Mark Sedwill, who has been described by his successors as ‘to clever’, ‘not bein funny bt why rnt we talking abote the people on botes the migrants get free homes’, ‘BORIS BORIS BORIS’ and ‘who?’.

The move forms the keystone in widespread civil service reforms including:

  • Replacing the Environment Agency with randomly selected NIMBYs, who piss blood at the sight of a solar farm proposal.
  • Replacing BBC Radio 4 with Nigel Farage’s sleeptalk tracker.
  • Transforming DEFRA into a fundraising body for the ‘Free Tommy Robinson’ campaign.