Government announces ambitious timetable for bigger second peak

The UK will pursue an ambitious timetable aimed at delivering an even bigger second coronavirus peak than it’s continent-leading first.

In a much-anticipated announcement today, the UK government revealed plans that heighten the already-high levels of confusion and uncertainty, in a determined effort to provoke an even more tragic and disruptive coronavirus peak than its first.

The public has been encouraged to stay at home, unless it would rather not, in which case it is now probably free to do whatever it wants, so long as it remains alert. It’s unclear precisely what remaining alert will do to limit the spread of the virus, nor what these alert people will be doing when they start wandering about the place.

“I’m just bored of coronavirus,” said one member of the public, “I’ve been going round my mate’s house for a few of beers a couple of times a week, and my girlfriend lives in Swansea, so I’ve been going over to see her every now and again, but this Stay At Home bullshit is taking its toll on my mental health. I need to go and browse sofas in DFS, buy gnomes at Wyevale, buy sweetened coffee drinks at Costa – its my human right”.

For those new to the abbreviation, the ‘UK’ – considered in the twentieth century to be a major world economy and an unusually old, stable democracy – is bad joke that separates Ireland from the North Sea. It selects rulers from a small pool of narcissists called ‘Oxford’ and engages in a slapstick form of ever-failing nihilism.

In its next trick, the UK will become Europe’s isolated coronavirus colony – a place where Covid-19 is permanently endemic. The rest of the continent, long since recovered, will be forced to close its borders to the strange and sickly group that locks itself away on the Isle of Great Britain.