Just eating is not enough, to save the UK economy you must buy useless tat made by child slaves in Vietnam.
People everywhere have expressed their regret on learning that airlines were telling the truth when they said this would be shit for their staff.
Shoppers are left feeling empty as nostalgia for panic-buying sets in.
Firms have offered reassurances that they’ll have no difficulty enforcing social distancing in the workplace, as they plan to lay off large parts of their workforces as soon as the furlough scheme is over.
“We consider ourselves more of an alliance of freelance oil artisans,” one taxpayer-subsidised oil exec said.