Boris labels his weekly shop a ‘New Deal’

The Johnson household is set to spend 0.2% of their annual income 'levelling up' the fridge.

After Churchill’s political idol street cred took a turn for the worse once his predilection for genocide came to light, the UK Prime Minister has turned to Franklin Delano Roosevelt to fill the gap in his claim to demagogic legitimacy. Roosevelt – often referred to as FDR – invested 40% of the US’s GDP as part of his ‘New Deal’ to re-invigorate the depression-hit 1930s US economy. Drawing on this spirit, Alexander Boris Johnson has re-announced the restoration of a bridge in Dudley.

Also included in Johnson’s take on the New Deal is a paint job for his plane, maintenance on his Greek villa, the fixing of a pothole in Shrewsbury to ‘level-up’ the ‘North’, and his weekly Ocado shop.

The shopping list, said to be worth 0.2% of his annual income, includes:

  • Champagne for when the public forget that his decision-making led to the death of their loved ones.
  • A memorial plaque for the Civil Service.
  • Bucket of fish heads (for Dom).
  • Map of Leicestershire opticians (for Dom).
  • Straw bedding (for the newest one).
  • A Kier Starmer doll (for Carrie)
  • A bouquet for Tim Martin
  • Ploughman’s chutney (for Mr. Furlough)

The shopping should be delivered in the next few days, as Ocado have relieved their driver shortage by hiring a steady stream of outgoing National Security advisors.