The Johnson household is set to spend 0.2% of their annual income ‘levelling up’ the fridge.
SectionPolitics
Ministers to be swapped with England football players
The elite squad, which collectively have fewer GCSEs than Johnson has harassment allegations, are proving to be more adept at understand what the public wants (namely food).
Daily Mail takes a break from ironically fuelling intolerance to ask ‘why is there so much intolerance?’
‘You were only ever meant to read the paper in a sarcastic voice’ said one hack.
Boris Johnson to be replaced by a ‘bag of wind’
We thought of using a dog whistle, but decided that a windbag would be more accurate
Dominic Cummings refuses to fire Dominic Cummings
After Grand Vizier Dominic Cummings refused to resign, pressure was on the great svengali Dominic Cummings to fire the top Mandarin Dominic Cummings.
Dominic Cummings announces UK Lockdown Tour
‘We’re getting the band back together; with Toby Young on drums, Nick Timothy on Cor Anglais and Andrew Sabisky on bail’.
Government announces ambitious timetable for bigger second peak
The UK will pursue an ambitious timetable aimed at delivering an even bigger second coronavirus peak than it’s continent-leading first.
Government ‘hits target for missed targets’
Early reports suggest 2020 will be a record-breaking year for missing governmental targets, beating a very strong performance in 2019.
Politicians scramble to hide problematic book titles from Zoom backgrouds
There haven’t been nearly enough bookshelf scandals in this country, so we imagined what might have been…
Lockdown easing: prospect of drawing a breast-shaped mortality graph captures cabinet’s imagination
The strange, inexperienced and mostly male cabinet only got really fired up when it discovered it could draw a pair of breasts with its emergency powers.