Lockdown easing: prospect of drawing a breast-shaped mortality graph captures cabinet’s imagination

The strange, inexperienced and mostly male cabinet only got really fired up when it discovered it could draw a pair of breasts with its emergency powers.

As the nation settles in for four days of unhelpful speculation at what Boris, Dom and Dom’s fun new rules will be, reports suggest that the mood in cabinet has been buoyed by the discovery that a second peak would actually make a ‘jolly funny graph’.

It’s understood that, in the malest cabinet since the Thatcher years, boyish hijinks have helped ministers to stave off the boredom and frustrations of the coronavirus period.

“I was so chuffed when they told me I could be in this cabinet lark,” one minister said. “All I wanted to do was slash the bloody funding for some service or other. It was going to be jolly good fun, and it’d give me something to brag about on the ‘Etonians 1993’ WhatsApp group. Then this fucking virus thing came along and Raaby said I had to keep paying everyone. Bloody miserable. I’m just glad me and the boys can have a laugh with this twin peak business now.”

Next up, Brandon Lewis is said to be planning to trick Priti Patel into believing we’ve declared war with Denmark.