Government ‘hits target for missed targets’

Early reports suggest 2020 will be a record-breaking year for missing governmental targets, beating a very strong performance in 2019.

‘Last year was a pretty big year to build on – several Brexit deadlines, £350m per week for the NHS, a long-overdue paper on adult social care and a report into Russian interference with UK Democracy – but we’ve managed to already hit our annual missed targets target’ said a very proud foreign secretary.

‘Between our failure to buy sufficient or adequate PPE, the 20,000 deaths target, the 12-week maximum time period for getting this all under control, and the 100,000 tests per day by April, we’ve managed to smash our target of abject, yet immediately forgiven, failures’.

Asked whether this provides some breathing space for shelving other unachievable promises, such as a successfully negotiated Brexit by the end of the year, a commitment to carbon neutrality by 2050, or even the notion that ‘we’ll meet again’, Raaaaab was resolute that ‘now is not the time for complacency’.