Ernie Chess
‘We’re getting the band back together; with Toby Young on drums, Nick Timothy on Cor Anglais and Andrew Sabisky on bail’.
Ernie Chess
European Commission finally decides that there is a crisis
In an adjoiner to a Green Paper submitted for review by the Sub-Committee for the Appointment of a Steering Group Facilitating Actionable Deliverables in Fiscal Stabilisation, the EU has accepted that the collapse of the Lehman Brothers and subsequent credit crunch is a very real crisis, and they must start planning a unified response.
‘The Science’ revealed to be a 37-year-old alcoholic in Brentwood
‘We are taking our lead from the science, who is leaving us slurred voicemails’
Publishers ‘excited’ to read shitty manuscripts by furloughed staff
Furloughed staff with delusions of grandeur have ‘finally had enough to peace to sit down and write’ their novels. Publishers are preparing polite refusals.
Public pleased to finally be allowed to use ‘British common sense’
British common sense stockpiles are to be tapped as we enter the second wave of the virus.
Cleaners and nannies to restore order to Tory households
A small army of cleaners and nannies is preparing to return to work, where carnage – burnt stilton on the Aga, port stains on the chesterfield and horse shit in the rugs – awaits them.
Prankster tricks broadcaster into giving him 30 minutes uninterrupted air time
Rob Henderson, the prankster who plays popular gag character ‘Boris Johnson’, successfully tricked the broadcaster into airing a half hour monologue last night.
Comprehensive list of exercises that are now absolutely fine
As part of its crystal clear new guidelines, the administration has lifted the exercise limit.
“Proud patriotic British bodies will not fall victim to French COVID-19” says crap epidemiologist
Arrivals from France will not be subject to the 14 day quarantine, since a silly French virus is no match for big strong British people.