Cleaners and nannies to restore order to Tory households

A small army of cleaners and nannies is preparing to return to work, where carnage – burnt stilton on the Aga, port stains on the chesterfield and horse shit in the rugs – awaits them.

As an annexe to the authoritative Clarifying the Incohate Drivel Our PM Released on TV report, it has emerged that cleaners and nannies can go back to work, whilst croquet, golf and tennis are also back on the menu. The adjustment is set to provide well-needed relief for the acute wellbeing crisis amongst prosperous households.

The change in guidelines has been particularly welcomed by one family currently isolating in a Scottish estate; “meals are going uncooked, bottoms are going unwiped and rather than his usual tantrums, my husband is staring wistfully out the window, not even brightening up when I put battleships in the bathtub,” says Camilla, 72.

In Somerset, a particularly Jacobean Rees-Mogg lamented that “ever since Nanny has started isolating in her hovel at the end of the garden, the estate has fallen into disrepair”.

He is thrilled that domestic support can return as “the dust gathering on ivory trinkets is nearly an inch thick, the ghastly delivery man doesn’t make dippy eggs and soldiers with the love and attention of nanny, and we’re down to our last set of Ming-era bone china crockery… the dog hasn’t be fed in months, he’s starting to pick off the weaker Rees-Moggs, one was shocked to discover just how many of us there were in the first place.”

On the question of whether the move to place domestic workers into the line of fire amounts to throwing the working class under the bus merely to convenience their jodhpur- and gilet-wearing betters, Downing Street urged the public to use ‘British common sense’ when choosing their social class.