‘The Science’ revealed to be a 37-year-old alcoholic in Brentwood

'We are taking our lead from the science, who is leaving us slurred voicemails'

At every stage of the pandemic, senior government figures have reassured the British public that they are ‘following what the science is saying’. However, with criticism mounting, these same government figures are suggesting that advice from ‘the science’ wasn’t really up to scratch.

‘The science’ was originally thought to refer to an approximate synthesis of authoritative medical groups such as the WHO and SAGE, who each raised doubts on alignment in saying ‘we’re not responsible for this shitshow’. Suspicion was raised further by revelations that SAGE advice is being redacted and censored. To clear up confusion, a cabinet office spokesperson has clarified that ‘The Science’ is the childhood nickname of a 37-year-old alcoholic in Brentwood, who is directing government policy through a series of slurred voicemails to what he thinks is a fried chicken takeaway service.

‘We don’t know how he got our number’ said Health Secretary Matt Manchild, ‘but this provides us with a watertight buck-passing mechanism’.

The Scientific Community – The Science’s slightly more literate cousin – is said to be outraged.