‘I’ve always thought of myself as an artist – I just lack the time’, said one time-rich and talentless solicitor, ‘the rhetorical spins in my quarterly reports are evidence of a stifled Hemingway’.
As the world edges closer to normality, the dying publishing industry is excited to trawl through the backlog of drivel sent in by temporarily unemployed loan-managers, marketing associates and a wealth of other pseudo-tortured artists.
‘I just can’t wait to work my way through a wealth of autobiographical drivel, ghastly sex scenes and deeply illogical spy thrillers. The most exciting, of course, are the bargain-bucket postmodernists, who no doubt will be submitting 739-page stream-of-consciousness quagmires of self-important fagpacket philosophy’, said Anne Turne.
In a bid to halt a concomitant wave of unsolicited podcasts, the government is considering extending its Microphone Prevention Scheme to include notepads, word processors and subscriptions to the TLS.