Publishers ‘excited’ to read shitty manuscripts by furloughed staff

Furloughed staff with delusions of grandeur have ‘finally had enough to peace to sit down and write’ their novels. Publishers are preparing polite refusals.

‘I’ve always thought of myself as an artist – I just lack the time’, said one time-rich and talentless solicitor, ‘the rhetorical spins in my quarterly reports are evidence of a stifled Hemingway’.

As the world edges closer to normality, the dying publishing industry is excited to trawl through the backlog of drivel sent in by temporarily unemployed loan-managers, marketing associates and a wealth of other pseudo-tortured artists.

‘I just can’t wait to work my way through a wealth of autobiographical drivel, ghastly sex scenes and deeply illogical spy thrillers. The most exciting, of course, are the bargain-bucket postmodernists, who no doubt will be submitting 739-page stream-of-consciousness quagmires of self-important fagpacket philosophy’, said Anne Turne.

In a bid to halt a concomitant wave of unsolicited podcasts, the government is considering extending its Microphone Prevention Scheme to include notepads, word processors and subscriptions to the TLS.