European Commission finally decides that there is a crisis

In an adjoiner to a Green Paper submitted for review by the Sub-Committee for the Appointment of a Steering Group Facilitating Actionable Deliverables in Fiscal Stabilisation, the EU has accepted that the collapse of the Lehman Brothers and subsequent credit crunch is a very real crisis, and they must start planning a unified response.

The sub-committee’s findings were initially delayed by the discovery that Slovakia and Slovenia were two different countries and thus both needed a seat.

Talks were reset again to hold an inquiry into why Britain ceased to arrive for meetings, which prompted their replacement by a steaming heap of off-cut ham sporadically playing Kevin Bloody Wilson recordings. Negotiations even hit a stumbling block when it emerged that ‘Veto’ is not a port city south of Zagreb. After reviewing all the evidence, and negotiating an agreed stance, and then changing the evidence to fit that stance, and then starting again once a new commission was appointed, it has been decided that the collapse of the Lehman Brothers and subsequent credit crunch is a very real crisis. The project will now enter a planning phase.

‘We are delighted by this moment of cooperation and unity’ said chief negotiator, Beurs de Cratte, ‘once each nation’s parliament re-convenes – they are mysteriously absent at the moment – and ratifies the agreement, with revisions, we can submit this report to the Commission to leverage the creation of a memorandum of understanding forging a roadmap for negotiating a response’.

Asked on whether the commission was developing plans to respond to the global coronavirus crisis, Msr de Cratte said ‘now is not the time to be sanctioning AbInbev, instead, we need to examine how we can help vulnerable member states receive bailout funds before the next time we’re all fucked’.