Government calls out ‘number fiddling’ by nations that use intelligent government action to reduce mortality rates.
Lockdown easing: prospect of drawing a breast-shaped mortality graph captures cabinet’s imagination
The strange, inexperienced and mostly male cabinet only got really fired up when it discovered it could draw a pair of breasts with its emergency powers.
“Ish’ll all be fine in the end” says quarantined micro-distiller
Bob Morris, 53 from Preston, produces around 50 litres of artisan gin in his shed each week. Normally, he gives much of it away to friends and sells the rest in local shops.
‘China should have acted sooner on UK coronavirus response’ says MP
An extremely credible politician has reminded the public that nothing is ever her party’s fault.
Boris, not to be outdone, renames son ‘52% £350m Routemaster’
The PM, like Grimes and Elon, will name the child after his own clever achievements.
Chelmsford couple spends 48 hours camping out at wrong McDonalds
Maxton and Cathrin Dollop-Smith, both 22, have returned home after spending two nights in a tent outside a McDonalds branch that isn’t scheduled to open.
Oh, thank God: small children raise money for local food bank so you don’t have to
Abigael (8) and Declan (6) have raised £4,000 in support of a local food bank, which is amazing because it will provide much-needed meals to those less fortunate, and also because you no longer have to.
“I’m loving the time off really”: Greta puts her feet up while the world grapples with a new existential crisis
The activist a takes well-earned break while once-skeptical old men are panicked to find that the planet is doomed.
Boris grudgingly thanks NHS after saving him from apotheosis
Intensive support from by overstretched nurses has deprived Johnson of a Homeric ascension.
Village in Somerset reverts to Black Death tactics to isolate from middle-aged men in lycra
Residents have reconvened a Black Death era peasants’ league to help eject outsiders.