“Ish’ll all be fine in the end” says quarantined micro-distiller

Bob Morris, 53 from Preston, produces around 50 litres of artisan gin in his shed each week. Normally, he gives much of it away to friends and sells the rest in local shops.

Since lockdown, however, Morris has been unable to visit either his friends or his local shops.

“Everythin’ll be fine in the end,” Morris told us. “There’sh all this fuss but really ish all gonna be fine.”

The micro-distiller has been forced to find creative ways to dispose of his gin strockpile, which he now considers a troubling a sunk cost.

“I’ve been making gin pashta, which is pashta boiled in gin, and gin on toasht, which is toasht with gin on it. Gin tea ish lovely too: ish gin with a tea bag in it.”

Asked if there was anything else he’s like to add, Morris clarified, “I h’just think… you’re lovely. I know some people say you’re boring, or insensitive, or a just… hic… shit, but I love you.”

We found Bob Morris to be a highly credible source, a deeply reasonable person and character of the utmost calibre.