Low-mortality countries ‘cheat by using competance’ says government source

Government calls out ‘number fiddling’ by nations that use intelligent government action to reduce mortality rates.

‘You’re supposed to change the figures, not the reality on the ground’ said Matt Manchild, ‘this is debating club, not governance club’.

This follows accusations that countries such as South Korea (population 50 million, deaths approximately 200) and Taiwan (population 23 million, deaths 6) have manipulated their COVID mortality figures through early responses, widespread testing and a contact-tracing app that wasn’t pawned off three months late to a horde of corrupt data vultures.

“It’s obviously cheating, you’re not allowed to use competence in the fight against a deadly virus,” added the Health Minister, to a resounding and fawning chorus of assent in the British press. “No one could have predicted the right course of action, except by looking at places that had already taken the right course of action three months earlier, foresight is 2020.”