Following news that Brent Crude oil hit lows of -$37 per barrel, oil executives are having to revisit their core business models.
“We consider ourselves more of an alliance of freelance oil artisans,” said one taxpayer-subsidised oil exec, “to remain agile as an enterprise in this climate, we need to transform old mantras such as ‘extract and sell’ to ‘leverage gig economy functionalities for hydrocarbon facilitation’. It’s allowed us to become carbon net-zero in a matter of weeks.”
Starting this month, oil workers will pay rent for the privilege of rig-time, and have been told they are ‘free to walk away’ any time. Despite the warm spring weather, zero rig workers have made the leap.
Oil prices have slowly recovered after US President Donald Trump suggested that rectal ingestion of unrefined oil can kill the COVID-19 virus in a host body, as well as killing the host body.