Everything you need to know about the clear, concise and unproblematic new measures.
The government is set to announce its COVOIDANCE as part of the new guidelines on social distancing. This follows a raft of new measures designed to mitigate the declining mortality rate.
COVOIDANCE was initially modelled as a tool for denying responsibility for virus-handling cock-ups, and it’s beta version – COVOID – had entered a trial phase as a catchall term for the gulf of effective leadership. Fortunately, the first wave of accountability has been less intense than authorities expected. This has freed up stocks of ineptitude to be unveiled ahead of the next wave of mistakes.
The COVOIDANCE principles are a clear centralised directive, and follow as such:
- Go out a bit more, but don’t lick stuff
- Pubs to open a bit
- Don’t go to pubs
- Watch all pubs become Wetherspoons
- Keep 2m away from plain strangers, but 10cm from attractive strangers (no, Boris! – ed)
- Something about the Isle of Wight, we can’t remember what the gig is there
- Go to work
- Don’t take public transport to work
- Lose your job
- Become a fruit picker
- Get fired from fruit picking for smuggling raspberries to your hungry family
- Personal destitution
- National destitution
- Open the borders, we’re less likely to catch it from foreigners that from each other
- What nobody wants to come???
- What do you mean I can’t go to Alicante because I’m British????
- Staycation in Swansea
- Spiritual enlightenment in Swansea
- Realise that foreign holidays weren’t so great after all
- Catch typhoid from Swansea ice cream (okay, that’s more than enough – ed)