Public excited to forgive Tories for mismanaging another crisis

It's not the same when Labour does it.

As the social democracies around the world start to re-open shops and schools, a brave band of Etonians 5526 miles from Wuhan haven’t yet finished transforming their small island nation into a deadly virus hotbed – second only to the inspirationally moronic USA.

“Nobody manages a crisis like old white men,” said one old white man. “When Labour is handed a crisis, it’s all ‘boo-hoo, bail out the banks and spend a generation in opposition’. But now we have gung-ho war analogies, stratospheric lies, and a fawning national press.”

In a recent MyGov survey, 100% of people claimed they would like the Conservative party to manage every global crisis henceforth (n.b. survey data includes people’s capacity to want things).