Johnson to unveil next wave of mistakes

Anticipation builds ahead of the government’s mysterious – much built-up – announcement on Sunday.

Downing Street announced this morning that plans for its next litany of errors are ‘very much in the works’.

While details are still unclear, the plans are believed to include a partial lifting of medical advice, another abolition of Parliament, aimless number-fiddling, ill-timed handouts to taxpayer-subsidised cash-cows and deliberately not ordering vital equipment.

Johnson expressed confidence in the measures, adding that “due to maximal, er, undertaking of heroic preparatory measures, I have positively caught the coronavirus, thus rendering me successfully immune to difficult questions”.

Opposition leader, Sir Kier Starmer, who we like to shoehorn into every article because he’s not Jeremy Corbyn, responded by saying “go on, admit it, I kind of look like the guy who would play PM in a 2000s RomCom eh?”

“It is imperative that we live up to the standards of our American friends and allies this VE day,” added Johnson, “and follow the centuries-old British tradition of throwing the vulnerable under the bus.”

This follows news that the UK government is laying out plans to ignore and/or delay an independent post-COVID inquiry in five years’ time.