“We wish we’d thought of counting tests that haven’t happened yet” say other countries

Leaders around the world have expressed regret that they didn’t think of fudging their testing figures by including tests that haven’t actually happened yet.

World leaders have signalled their admiration for the UK’s new policy adding Covid tests that might not have happened yet to daily testing totals.

“If the last few years have shown us anything”, one foreign statesman told us, “it’s that simply falsifying information is an excellent way around all sorts of problems.”

The government is soon expected to announce that all parts of the economy are experiencing an unprecedented boom, that the unemployment rate is at ‑25% and that eating Nutella makes you thinner.