Advisors warn Trump that ‘with virus mortalities, small numbers are better’

He is said to be confused, but slowly accepting this new reality.

‘We have the best numbers, big numbers, numbers like you’ve never seen’ said a proud commander-in-chief at a press conference this morning. ‘China says 70,000, fake news media say 80,000, but I know the numbers you don’t see, it’s true, I think it could be 110,000−120,000. World-beating numbers’.

‘I’m a leading epi-penoli-deemo-logist, nobody knows a crisis like me’, said the President of the Earth’s most powerful nuclear-armed state.

After his advisors updated him on the need to keep small, he reminded them that bleach-induced deaths don’t count for the final tally.