Contact tracing app to include ‘top money-saving deals’ and ‘huge discount offers’

The UK government has chosen to partner with Groupon, not Google and Apple, to build its contact tracing app.

Deal-savvy punters – who’ve already had a whale of a time this pandemic – celebrated today that the UK contact tracing app will eschew the reliable and unobtrusive Google/Apple solutions favoured by other countries, and instead build it on a discount coupon service.

“We’re all mad crazy weirdo loner geniuses here”, said Demonic Comings, Number 10’s half-arsed Rasputin, “so we think outside the box. That’s why we’re going to let the stupid, rapidly-recovering Europeans chance it with free tech from the sector’s far-reaching and reliable old companies. We’ll disrupt the market for life-saving virus tracing by placing our faith in Groupon, the little guy.”

Comings left our interview on his unicycle, muttering about books he’d misinterpreted and sketching made-up graphs on a large leather-bound book marked ‘Blog’ he kept in his hoodie pocket.